Funny Quotes, AllQuotes.info Funny Quotes - 25 The Best Ones

Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes – 25 The Best Ones

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”
― Emo Philips

“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.”
― Groucho Marx

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”
― Billy Sunday (Billy Sunday, the Man and His Message)

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”
― Albert Einstein

“It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.”
― Marilyn Monroe

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
― Mark Twain

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named “Bush”, “Dick”, and “Colin.” Need I say more?”
― Chris Rock

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
― George Carlin

“Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.”
― Greg King

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”
― Al McGuire

“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.”
― Bob Monkhouse

“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.”
― Patrick Murray

“It is better to remain silent at the risk of being thought a fool, than to talk and remove all doubt of it.”
Maurice Switzer

“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.”
― Paul Terry

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
― Woody Allen

“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.”
― Benjamin Franklin Wade

“Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you’ll die of a misprint.”
― Markus Herz

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they’re ok, then it’s you.”
― Rita Mae Brown

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”
― Flip Wilson

“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.”
― Claude Pepper

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
― Steven Wright

“A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.”
― Bob Hope

“Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.”
― Anonymous

“Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.”
― José Maria de Eça de Queiroz

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
― Steven Wright

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